A Recitative of Minor Importance

Ah... and here it is. I finally got myself to get off my lazy backside to write one of these things.... In the middle of the night, no doubt.... Or morning... depending on how you want to look at it. I don't know, ever since high school my most productive times of the day have been during the dead of night. I've been converted to a night owl, hahaha. Hoot.

That's just one of the many oddities that I have, hehehe. To be honest, I don't really know much anymore. Everything is so fast, so uncertain in life now, I can't find any footholds before I'm lost again. Each and every time I sit down to look at my life, I feel like I'm already two steps behind where should be.

Life's constantly passing me by and believe me, I know. Everyday, I have things like Facebook and AIM, amongst other things to constantly remind me how much of life I'm missing out on. Everyday, I see people going out with friends, having fun, doing things in clubs, you know the usual college stuff. Hell, my boyfriend is like in a gazillion (yes, I know that's not a real word) clubs and organizations, while I just kinda sit there.... And watch casually. I have to love the guy, he tries so hard to help me out; he helps me with my math and physics (not that those credits matter now because I switched from a hard science to social science) and tries to get me to do things, like clubs and what not. Poor guy, he gets frustrated to no end because I can't seem to retain anything that he tries to teach me. Not that he's a bad tutor, nor is it that I don't try, it's just that those subjects always tend to elude me, no matter how much effort I put into it. (It's also probably because I procrastinate to no end, hehe. But seriously, me doing Calc is like having my teeth pulled.... And believe me, I hate getting teeth pulled. I bit a dentist once for trying.... Hahah. Don't worry, I'm not aggro.)

Despite all my laughs, I can't seem to get out of this mood. Everything seems mundane and uninteresting... And I don't know why. Things that used to be interesting are not anymore. On top of that, studies are constantly whipping me back and forth; I quite literally feel like a rag doll between fought over by a Doberman and a Rottweiler. By the time I get back from classes, I feel like passing out. It's gotten to the point where I've just stopped going all together. I know it's a bad habit, but I can't concentrate in class. It all goes over my head. I always get this feeling like I'm the only one that doesn't really know what the professor is talking about. I just don't know what's wrong.

I'm glad to find that I still find some solace when I just put some music on and just listen. It's comforting to hear someone pour their soul out to the world through a melody and a cadence. It reminds me of simpler times. When I didn't have to be concerned about being proving my worth to some accursed institution (to not do so is to imply worthlessness). But, it is, alas only a small condolence.

I'm also starting to feel alone despite being around so many people. I can walk through a crowd and no one will give you a second glance. Hahah. I feel like Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man". I pretty much don't exist until people need something from me and those kind of moments are far and few inbetween. Being able to help others used to be a boon to me. I loved to help someone out of a struggle. I used to relish in having to patiently wait for someone to understand. But now, I'm in the back seat holding the bag. I need the help. Too bad people don't seem to have the same patience with me. And you know what, I don't expect them too. They have other obligations to their time than to waste it with me. This I know.... But, it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate the minor verbal insults or having my actions being called stupid or dumb. I guess it's probably because my parents used to tell me that kids that were too dumb or stupid were usually abandoned or abused (you might as well have been as good as dead if you didn't have a use for them). Haha. When I look at it in retrospect, I think I'm too sensitive, but I can keep telling that to myself because it doesn't soothe the pain much when it does happen. In fact, it just makes it sting all the more.

There's also a matter of my personal beliefs. I was raised with a certain moral code. To treat others nicely and to expect similar in return. To greet others gracefully and graciously... etc. But, people here don't do that. Hell, when you speak to people, sometimes they don't respond back. It doesn't feel right. It makes me feel insignificant, like less than nothing sometimes. Honestly, how hard is it to freaking respond to someone when they talk to you? Hmm? Is it so hard?

Haha. My boyfriend must seem like such an loser by this description. It's like: God, what an ass! Where is he when you need him?!?!? Hahaha. It's simply not true that he's never there. In fact, it's quite the opposite. He's almost always with me. Not to mention, he's IS the most lovable person I've ever known. I'd give up so much and more for him. I've never felt so strongly about anyone outside of my family. He's one of the few persons that I can find comfort in when I'm down (I think he's the only one, to be honest). He should be given a freaking medal for being able to put up with all the flak I give him. We have a lot of good times together, but once they're over, I seem to get back into that dejected mood.... I appreciate everything that he does for me and I love him with all my heart, but deep down I know, there is ultimately so much he can do. He has his own life to go live. I can't expect him to buoy up both of us at the same time.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm dragging him down with me into this pit of apathy. I hate doing it, because I always ruin his happy and upbeat mood (of which I love, :D). But, we always manage to keep our relationship going, no matter what has transpired. I love him and I want to be with him always. I can only hope he feels as strongly as I do. If so, we have alot more arguements and as well as good times ahead of us. I'm looking forward to it, both good and bad.

In the end, I don't really know anything.... I'm so sick of this kind of behavior projected at me. I'm sick of feeling like this. I want to move on. I want to be able to not be bothered by insults and other people's behavior. But once I start thinking about it, I can't get it out of my head. I can't move on. I feel alone and more often than not, misunderstood. I want to move on. I want to get on and live life, enjoy the fabric of time and space, with all of it's colors and intensities. I want to get married, have kids, see their kids, travel the world, see the folks back home, take care of my family, give something to the next generation.... And what not. But I won't be able to do that if I don't first fix myself.

Sometimes, I just want to run away from it all. I want to tell someone how I feel and not get judged or berated for it. I just want someone to listen. But it's a moot point. Everybody has things they have to do. They have obligations. Their time is valuable. Hahaha. I probably sound like a big whiner. (I won't lie; I've been called one before and by a number of different people.) No one has time for the emo kid. That's how life it. DEAL WITH IT.